I've been a little silent here lately, despite the fact that both design and dyeing are happening at full capacity, and all sorts of fabulous and creative plans are afoot on both fronts. A great many things are going very well, but as much as September brings the return of kid-free productivity, it also adds a layer of emotionally draining angst. I don't say a whole lot about my daughter's issues here, as I think she deserves a certain layer of anonymity, but suffice it to say that each school year brings a whole new set of problems to be identified, solutions to be imagined and advocated for, and after-school unloading to be coped with, comforted, and buffered on behalf of the younger sibling. This year is shaping up to be a tough one as normal preteen angst dovetails with the pain of being genuinely different, and the stress of ramped up expectations and scaled back supports.
It is all too easy some days to slide back into that scary place where failure is unthinkable, but the imperatives pressing in on all sides are vastly bigger than my internal resources feel. I've found though, that when the big picture is just too big, a great deal of solace and fortification can be found in the particular.
There is a kind of strength in small things that is still and accessible, that speaks of perseverance and constancy.
Living in the presence of raw power and drama, periodically trampled by it, yet never overcome - just quietly, irresistably, continuing to be.
I forget the lesson regularly, but thankfully, the reminders are never far away.
Life in the macro is beautiful. Life in the macro is also manageable. "Do the next thing." "Don't look too far from what is right here."
It's part of my life philosophy, macro.
Posted by: PrairiePoppins | 23/09/2010 at 01:48 PM
breath deep and focus on one step at a time. the beginning of the school year is so full of worry, I hate it, yet I love my bit of quiet each day.
sending some good vibes to you and the kidlets!
Posted by: colleen | 23/09/2010 at 04:09 PM
Those are beautiful photos. There are days when good parenting seems like an illusive dream. Those are times we strive for good enough. That you worry about the possibility of failure makes it unlikely you will ever come close to failing. You seem like a wonderful Mom.
Posted by: Kate | 23/09/2010 at 05:27 PM
I'm so sorry your daughter's having a hard time at school. That's rough for both of you. I had an absolutely dreadful year in 6th grade, and the one thing that kept me going was my mom. Although I'm not sure I even realized it at the time, knowing that I got to go home to her unconditional love made things just bearable. I'll bet you donuts your daughter feels the same way about you.
Posted by: Elizabeth GM | 23/09/2010 at 08:47 PM
I SO understand and respect your desire to keep your daughter's struggles reasonably private. I could write a book about what I went through with my son, but I won't. It's his story to tell, and he is very private about it.
However, I went through serious stuff with him and his sister when they were in early adolescence,so I understand how drained you feel. Just take it one day at a time. Loving, consistant parents triumph in the end.
Posted by: Caffeine Girl | 24/09/2010 at 03:37 AM
Ah! I've had that same feeling, driving to work looking at a particular patch of grass that always looked the same day after day. I would sort of envy it's consistency and persistence.
It will get better in time with your daughter. It's hard to believe in the midst of it, but all that effort you are putting into things now will tell in time. And what a reward to see that child start to bloom! You'll get there.
Posted by: LaurieM | 24/09/2010 at 04:38 AM
There is a place in this world for all people. School is not necessarily the best pace to find the world's wide variety of options. As the adult in this equation, you already know this. Your sweet daughter has probably spent enough of her life in school that the educational parameters feel all encompassing. Every ache you feel is sharing the load with her - carrying your greater wisdom, holding on to the knowledge that she too will find her way.
It is an excrutiating process for mothers that care (hey, that would be almost all of us in our own way) but it is SO worth it. And the good news is you are not alone. Keep hold of the bigger picture - none of us are reduced to the definitions that a school life gives us. Pay attention to the smaller picture - there is potential beauty in every day. Know that you can always, always call on your community to listen, to support, empathize, celebrate, and grieve with you.
I do not know the origin of this quote, but I live by it like it is gospel - "It will all be alright in the end, and if it is not alright, it is not the end". There is more of your daughter's story to come and much of it may sing like a choir of angels.
I will hold you and your family in my thoughts tomorrow when I come to my yoga mat. I offer my practice to you and your daughter, and by extension all mothers and their tween girls who maybe see life from an alternative perspective.
Om Shanti
Posted by: koru | 24/09/2010 at 07:16 PM
You are so eloquent, Ruth. And I feel for you. It's tough enough being a parent without the pressure for our children to conform to someone else's idea of normal. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family - she will find her way and her way to be. x
Posted by: Ros | 25/09/2010 at 08:09 AM