Knitting on Impulse

Minus Twenty: Week 5 - not giving up, but buying pants that fit

Still not looking at the scale.  Why would I be tempted to depress myself more, when there are women browsing at my booth to ask "And when are you due?"  (I left Rob to man the store at that point, and wandered off to commiserate with a fibre friend who gently brought me back to reality by sharing that, owing to the fact that her hair is coming in grey post-chemo, she went straight from "when are you due?" to "would you like the senior's discount?" Perspective, right?)

Last week, I managed one full gym session, one run, a couple of walks, and a smattering of Pilates and push-ups.  I think this week will be better, but I do know that I need a self esteem boost, and looking good in clothes NOW rather than at some indefinable future date would help my state of mind enormously.  (Also not having a perpetual gut-ache from a too-small waistband.)  The catch is that we no longer have the sort of budget that will accomodate multiple "transitional" wardrobes.  I found a couple of nice tops at the local goodwill last week (including a perfect sweater that made me wonder why I bother designing for myself when other people's cast-off handknits suit me so much better), but the pants will require some judicious creativity.

Right now though, I'm going to indulge by walking to Lost Lake and sitting on a gloriously sunny promontory all by myself.  I'll post pictures when I get back, and also attempt to get my head in order to properly acknowledge the lovely awards that fellow bloggers have been bestowing upon me.  (I find those oddly difficult  - I get tongue tied and fretful about saying exactly the right thing.)

Minus Twenty: Week Four (still not looking)

Really.  I was serious about not weighing myself before the winter solstice and have thus far stuck to the resolution without resorting to hiding the scale.  (You can't imagine what hitherto unattained levels of self-control this has entailed.)

The fitness program.... is coming smack up against the realities of life with school aged children.  Every year I manage to forget (probably because no one gets so much as a sniffle over the summer) the whole business of winter colds.  Every virus in the Sea to Sky corridor (and likely a few tourist-borne imports) sniffles and oozes its way home on the school bus, which means that less than half of any given month is fully productive. Either someone is home from school, or one of the adults is sick and not able to efficiently carry out their usual chores, or (as was the case last week) not quite succumbing to the latest plague, but exhausted and achy just the same.  (Not to mention the meetings, special events, volunteering, etc. that crop up frequently but in semi-random fashion). One way or another, any plan that relies on consistent, efficient scheduling is doomed. 

So I tried out the principle of Enough and walked when I felt too lousy to run, got in my pushups and Pilates, and began to come to terms with the fact that I have no idea (nor can I realistically predict) exactly when I will get to 100 push-ups or 20 km or minus 20 lbs, but it does not mean that I won't. (You might be sick of me by then, though.) I am still on week 2 of the push-ups program and I wish that muscle strength came more quickly to my physique (but if it did, I would likely be fretting about not liking to bulk up).  I had to go back down to level 2 of my running program because, although my aerobic capacity was ready for the increased mileage, my hip and knee were not.  Cross training and specific strength training will take care of that.... in time.

This disconnect between effort and results is unsettling.  I would much prefer a tidy mathematical ratio; ie. Result = X(Effort) where X is a constant (maybe something to do with Pi and the speed of light.)  I can deal with X being small, even tiny, but random bugs the heck out of me.  I powered through the dark years of my teens and twenties with a philosophy of "set big goals, grit your teeth, and achieve or die trying," but I am coming to see that there are other ways to move forward, other ways to live.  Patience and constancy perhaps?

In a nutshell then, my plan for this week is: Doing what needs to be done right now, not living in the future, not giving up.  (There's also something percolating about self-acceptance and not hiding out until the mythical attainment of bodily perfection, but I'm not quite there yet.  Elspeth seems to be much further along that road, though her post was a very timely wake-up call.) 

Minus Twenty: Week 3

Well, that was one of the more discouraging weeks in recent memory.  I won't subject you to the list of disappointments, but as a predictable side-effect, routines were disrupted, energy was low, and I did not complete all my runs, nor all my pushups, nor did I say no to every culinary treat.  And one of the hardwon lost pounds came back.  Perhaps even weighing once a week is too much.

One of the things I have learned over 40+ years of living (and it so often seems that I have not learned nearly enough) is that life goes in cycles.  And while there is a time and a place to take stock of external feedback, add things up and make new plans, there is also a time to stop looking at the numbers, shut down the anxiously nattering bits of grey matter, and doggedly press on with what needs doing.  The inexorable slide into darkness from late September to Christmas (or your own particular festival of light) is a particularly critical time to turn inward for quiet confidence and knowing, because the external evidence points to a terrible trend, and only dogged faith tells us that the sun will return, that this is not the beginning of eternal night.

With that in mind, here is what I Know:

1) While eating good quality food and reconnecting with my body's feelings of genuine satiety and hunger is very helpful, micromanaging my caloric intake is not.  It makes me cranky and frustrated and is consequently readily bumped when I need the psychic energy for other things.

2) If I don't micromanage my caloric intake, a modest level of fitness will improve my general sense of well-being, but will only serve to stabilize my current weight and shape.  (Fifteen years of family practice tells me that it isn't just me, either.)

3) A superb level of fitness, on the other hand, will readily absorb the dietary fluctuations that result from hectic days, special occasions, and all the other bumps and surprises of life.  It will give me the shape I want, the energy I need, the depression-fighting endorphins that come in awfully handy over the next six months, and a host of other mundane benefits like being able to lift stuff without hurting myself.

4) A superb level of fitness takes time - time to progess and chunks of time to do the work.

5) Achievement is way more fun than denial.

So, I resolve to:

1) Press on as planned: now that both kids are in full days at school, I will go to the gym Mon/Wed/Fri mornings for weights and cross training and run/do push-ups & Pilates Tues/Thurs/Sat.  (Sounds hard-core I know, but realistically, 1 or 2 or 3 of those days will be periodically scuttled by sick kids and other last-minute surprises.) Getting to the gym requires a level of night-before preparation that I did not achieve after yesterday's market, but I can do it for Wednesday. 

2) Enjoy life and refuse to look at the numbers (all sorts of numbers, actually)....until at least the winter solstice. I'll continue to report in weekly... but on the achievements, not the losses.

Because life is Good.

 

Minus Twenty: week 2

It was as I feared - I had taken off another 2 lbs this week, but one tired and frustrated moment of chocolate chip cookie weakness yesterday put back 1 of those.  (Why oh why does my Sunday nanny have to go all Mary Poppins and bake with the kids?) Harrumph.  It was ONE cookie.  I am confident it did not weigh a whole pound.  Up until this morning, I was revelling in the glorious possibilities of mathematical extrapolation - double the loss each week, so in only three more weeks, I'd have overshot my goal by 10 lbs....better be careful there.  Or how about fitting it into a more linear sequence: 1 lb week one, 2 lbs week two.... only four weeks to go and that 20 will be gone gone gone.  But I ate the damn cookie.  (I fully realize the folly of that line of thinking, but am I really the only one who's gone there??)

Anyway, I shall press on with the sensible eating and the food diary, and the running, which is going very well and has the side effect of being an excellent antidote to the crabbies.

Minus Twenty: Week 1

I thought once a week wouldn't be too obnoxious for updates on my fitter and lighter goals, and would also keep me honest and motivated.  I have to say, all the supportive comments were tremendously helpful in propelling me back over the line that separates frustrated self-loathing from hopeful determination.  I think the latter is a much more useful form of motivation, and certainly a nicer way to live.

Good thing too, because the total progress towards my weight goal is (drum roll) 1 lb.  I'd really like that rate of loss to increase a bit, BUT... I already feel considerably healthier and more energetic as a result of the exercise, so the intangible improvement is definitely much greater.  And as I regain fitness (and the kids go back to school, allowing me to get back to the gym), I will be able to burn calories with increasing efficiency.  (I know... muscle weighs more than fat, but 20 lbs ago, I was in the best shape of my life and 2/3 of the way to bench pressing my own weight, so... it's fat.  It wobbles, and it needs to go away.)

Changes to date:

Exercise:

• started on the 100 push-up challenge (thanks to Charity for the suggestion).
• resumed doing Pilates every morning, slowly increasing the number of repetitions
• restarted my running program - right back at the beginner level, so as to avoid my tendency to work out at the level I think I ought to be at, and then have to cheat to meet the milestones, thus negating the whole value of training.  I would really like to run another marathon - maybe even next spring, but right now, I'm just taking it a week at a time.

Food: Food is one of our great pleasures and hobbies as a family, so I resolved not to go hungry, and not to give up culinary delights (or force my family to) but rather make liveable changes in portion size, and snack with mindfulness and intention rather than by default. I also get very moody and foggy when hypoglycemic, so hunger is just not an option.

• started keeping a detailed food diary - although it sounds punitive, it really does make eating more mindful, because you have to take black-and-white responsibility for everything that goes in your mouth.
• got back to my daily smoothie habit - skim milk yogurt (home-made), a variety of fresh fruit and veg (ie. carrots and greens), and protein powder.  A litre of this is easy to grab in an instant and sip throughout the day to keep the hungries away. 
• I nibble a few almonds here and there if I need a little extra protein hit.
• The smoothie plus a whole wheat wrap with veggies, a wee bit of chicken breast and/or a morsel of super-sharp cheese is all I need to eat from breakfast 'til supper.
• At dinner, eat the goodies (eg. the gourmet cheese, the pasta toppings) but cut the starchy fillers (eg. bread, pasta) approximately in half - that way I don't feel deprived.  I know evening is the worst time for the big meal of the day, but especially during the school year, it's just not practical to do it any other way.

So there you have it, and... I'm off for a run!